Pain Devoid of Tears
by not.my.own
Summary: After having her life saved, once again, by Byakuya, Rukia's mask cracks for a second during a conversation with Ichigo and Renji. King of angsty. Not intended to be ByaRuki, but can probably be viewed that way.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach or gain any profit from this fanfiction. Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo

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_[A stoic is] One who is free from passion and indifferent to grief or joy._  
_- definition_

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Rukia awoke, greeted by the cold, unfamiliar surroundings that she instantly recognized; the Kuchiki manor. Sitting up on her futon, she wondered how she had got there in the first place. The events of her battle with Yoshi came rushing back to her, yet how was she still alive? She was so sure she had died; had she not remembered the pain of the blade slashing her, and then the blackness taking over her vision? She put a palm to her temple; her head ached, and with the other hand, clutched her stomach that lurched and stung as she shifted forward. Beneath her white kimono, she could feel thick bandages wrapped around her waist. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw movement in the form of an orange blob, and a red one.  
"Hey Rukia!"  
"You're awake!"  
She turned her head. From outside, Renji and Ichigo were peering in at her, grinning in relief. Rukia returned the smile. Wincing in slight pain, she threw back the covers, and stood up. Her head felt light, and her vision blurred for a few seconds. Her legs trembled as she walked outside, her bare feet felt numb as the icy morning air stung her skin. As she sat down between her two friends, she distantly recalled a hazy memory of waking up for a couple of minutes after the attack. Yes, it was clearer now. Both she and Yoshi had been badly injured, yet both had walked away from the fight. However, she had not been the one to injure Yoshi, nor had she walked away from their skirmish. Technically speaking, she had been carried away from it, and now she remembered the Bounts' ability to heal themselves using spirit particles.  
"Where is my brother?" She asked the two boys.  
Neither answered, for neither were particularly sure of his exact whereabouts. Both were aware that he had gone to fight Kariya the night before. Ichigo had also been part of that fight. It hadn't been much more successful than anyone else's attempts to fight a Bount, yet, but at least they were unscathed, and had gained some more knowledge of the Bounts.  
"Was he the one who saved me?" Rukia asked quietly, after receiving no replies.  
"Yes," Ichigo answered, "I'm sorry that I wasn't there sooner to help you, Rukia."  
Rukia smiled softly, "It's ok, Ichigo. I am fine, and I am grateful that Byakuya-sama saved me, again. I owe him my life."  
"Don't be an idiot, he's your brother," snapped Ichigo. He was still annoyed that Byakuya wasn't interested in getting revenge on the Bounts, especially as Rukia had almost been killed by one. Rukia said nothing, but smiled sadly at Ichigo, knowing that he couldn't possibly understand. Renji looked at the hurt expression in Rukia's eyes.  
"He cares about you Rukia," Renji reassured her, "but you know Kuchiki-taicho better than I do, he just doesn't show his feelings that much."  
Rukia looked at Renji. In her eyes, Renji saw the years of emotional pain and suffering that she had endured ever since the day she was taken from the Academy and adopted into the Kuchiki clan. She was still his best friend; they had since become closer again, thanks to Ichigo. But because of Rukia's adoption, their friendship had experienced years of strain. Unfortunately, there was nothing Ichigo could do to help Rukia. Even if she seemed happier now than she had before, she would never be the same. Life in Rukongai had been tough, to say the least, but at least Rukia had had a family. Now, she was mentally exhausted after years of trying to please everyone: Byakuya, Renji, the Kuchiki family, the Gotei Thirteen. And for what? Her brother – Renji was unsure of what his taicho's feelings were – acted like he didn't care for her, except on rare occasions when her life was threatened. And could anyone be the same after learning that they had a sister, who had abandoned them, as a baby no less, in one the poorest, districts of Rukongai? Renji couldn't even imagine the deep wounds that scarred Rukia's heart. He had hoped that his friendship, and Ichigo's, would be enough, but it wasn't. Rukia had no idea of what her brother truly felt, buried deep behind his mask of indifference.  
"He doesn't show any feeling at all," Rukia commented, her voice distant and neutral, her eyes glazed.  
"I'm sure he does care about you, Rukia, he saved your life. He wouldn't do that, if he doesn't care."  
Ichigo's frown seemed to disagree with Renji; as did Rukia's scowl.  
"Save my life? He was going to let me be executed, wasn't he?" Rukia said bitterly, "he only saves me to honour his precious promise to Hisana. He told me himself, that he swore to her that he would protect me. He doesn't care about me at all. He cares about _her._"  
Renji looked shocked, so did Ichigo. Rukia had spent years perfecting the cold, stoic exterior expected of a Kuchiki. Even when she was around Ichigo or Renji, or her other friends back in the World of the Living, like Orihime, when she was more relaxed, it was rare for Rukia to show true emotion and feeling.  
Rukia looked back down at her lap, ashamed of her outburst, her face hardening again, eyes once more devoid of human emotion. It was as if she had never said anything at all. She resented how, at times, her mask would crack or her walls would crumble. In that regard, she had always been weak. Ichigo and Renji exchanged a look; eyebrows raised in confusion, but didn't say anything. Renji wondered if what Rukia said was true, or if it was something that she had convinced herself to believe after years of loneliness and heartache.

Nearby, Byakuya Kuchiki's heart wept for his sister. If he could do anything in the world, he would turn back time, back to the day when he found her at the Academy. If he could do that day over, he would have welcomes Rukia warmly and lovingly into his family, instead of coldly ignoring her, brushing her aside not only as a painful reminder of his beloved wife, but also as the person responsible for Hisana's death. But it was too late now. Over time, Rukia had become more and more like him. It was too late for Rukia. Byakuya feared that he would never be able to prove to her, how much he loved her.


End file.
